As per usual, this Friday brings us another round of stories from the Friday Fictioneers.
Before I get to my story, I’d like to apologize to those I didn’t comment on last week. I tried to comment on a bunch of stories, but my comments didn’t seem to be going through for awhile. Once my comments started working again I couldn’t remember where my comments had failed. Hopefully I’ll have better luck this week.
As always, thanks to Madison Woods for the prompt and the Friday Fictioneers for reading what I would like to call my drunken ramblings, save the fact that I don’t drink alcohol. Yes, you read that right. I am a twenty something who doesn’t drink alcohol. A rare breed indeed.
Death Cart
The overloaded wagon clattered along the worn, uneven cobblestones. Pulling the cart was difficult work, but somebody had to do it. He’d never seen the city gripped by such despair in his twenty five years. There’d been hard times, sure, but nothing of this magnitude.
The cart behind him was heavy and the stench often overpowered his nostrils. He thought he’d grow accustomed to it in time, but he never did. Soon it wouldn’t matter. Soon he’d get his chance to ride on the cart. He barked out a harsh cough in the cool night air.
“Bring out your dead!”
May 10th, 2012 at 11:24 PM
Dear Adam,
Great story, nicely steered away from werewolves and toward a much more satisfying boogeyman. (The faceless, microscopic life forms intent on their survival and totally oblivious of us.)
First draft theater (does anyone remember that from SNL?) items are as follows: ‘accustom’ add an (ed) for a quick fix there; ‘but he never died’–did you mean ‘did’? Not sure there, just wondering; and the phrase, overpowered his nostrils leaves me with a WWE image of someone slamming his nostrils with a folding chair. ‘Overpowered him’ would work better, I think.
I’m taking a leap of faith in thinking that you want to hear these things in a public forum. Do what you want, then delete my comment and I’ll write one more suited to the finished product.
I don’t drink either. Cool.
Aloha,
Doug
May 11th, 2012 at 6:30 AM
I was never an SNL fan so I can’t say I remember that. Thanks for pointing out the flaws, doing so is nothing but helpful in my opinion. I fixed the typos but I rather like the image of getting slammed in the face with a folding chair so I left the nostrils bit, I didn’t want to use ‘him’ because I’d already used it earlier in the sentence and didn’t like the feel of having it twice, plus it’d throw off my word count and I don’t want to get into an edit that big this early in the morning. I read this over half a dozen times looking for typos before I posted it. Sometimes we see what we wanted to write rather than what we actually wrote. Damn these lying eyes!
May 11th, 2012 at 11:24 AM
I have that problem all the time. Adam, I’m starting out so I only expect to get better as I move through the process.
May 11th, 2012 at 1:54 PM
Too bad there’s no “like” button. I always hope people will give me any needed critique on my stories.
May 10th, 2012 at 11:53 PM
That was chilling! Good story Adam.
May 11th, 2012 at 6:30 AM
Thanks, Jeannie. Glad you liked it.
May 11th, 2012 at 12:21 AM
That was an excellent reaction to the photo… I liked your choice of words… overloaded, uneven, despair, overpowered, barked… last line perfect.
May 11th, 2012 at 6:57 AM
Thanks, Ted. Glad you enjoyed it.
May 11th, 2012 at 1:22 AM
Oh, creepy reminds me of medieval times in England. Not sure whether this is a typo, “….but he never died.” should ‘died’ be ‘did’?
May 11th, 2012 at 6:32 AM
That’s what I was going for, medieval times, not the typo. The typo is fixed now. My eyes sometimes see what I wanted to say rather than what I actually said.
May 11th, 2012 at 1:22 AM
What a terrible job — my dad had to pick up the dead in WWII. You’ve captured it as he used to tell it. Sad that the character would soon have his place on the cart. I’m looking forward to more of your posts.
Mine: http://www.vlgregory-circa1800.vpweb.com/blog.html
May 11th, 2012 at 6:34 AM
I agree it would have been a horrible job. Your dad is a better man than I. I can write about it, but to actually do it, I don’t think I could stomach that.
May 11th, 2012 at 2:46 AM
Great take on the prompt. Love the MC’s sense of despair. Death comes for us all.
Here’s mine:http://teschoenborn.com/2012/05/10/friday-fictioneers-et-wannabe/
May 11th, 2012 at 6:59 AM
It does, indeed. I’m just thankful it probably won’t be in the form of a plague for me, but who knows what the future holds, so maybe I’m wrong there.
May 11th, 2012 at 3:34 AM
Reminded me of WWII as well…the forced labor camps where they had to cart away the dead. What a horrible task for your young fellow. No hope, no sense of escape…only despair…waiting for his own death. Too depressing. Here’s mine:
http://www.triplemoonstar.blogspot.com
May 11th, 2012 at 7:01 AM
If his cough gets worse, I think he may stop waiting for death and start begging for it.
May 11th, 2012 at 3:35 AM
Oooh, visions of plague abound in this one – nicely done đŸ™‚
Here’s mine: http://womanontheedgeofreality.com/2012/05/11/friday-fictioneers-painting-creation/
May 11th, 2012 at 7:03 AM
Thanks! I wanted to stay away from the obvious werewolf connotation of the prompt. Surprisingly I don’t think I’ve read a single werewolf story yet. Maybe everybody else had the same thought I did.
May 11th, 2012 at 5:42 AM
Powerful! Wonder if the setting is medieval Europe, in the time of the black death?
May 11th, 2012 at 7:06 AM
You are correct on the setting. That’s what I was going for anyway, so I’m glad it came across.
May 11th, 2012 at 7:09 AM
That was the picture I got.
May 11th, 2012 at 7:19 AM
Several engaging facets to this story, (construction-wise, not sentiment-wise). I thought it was an anthropomorphisation (have I spelt that correctly – I suspect not) of the horse pulling the cart until the end, when he envisaged having his place on the cart. And the ‘barking’ cough is a harbinger of the fate awaiting him. Very good. I enjoyed this.
May 11th, 2012 at 8:50 AM
Thanks, Sandra. Glad you enjoyed it! Honestly, I have no idea if you spelled that correctly, but I see where you’re coming from. The story from the POV of a horse is an interesting idea.
May 11th, 2012 at 7:31 AM
I love the morbid humour in the guy having his ride on the cart soon and actually looking forward to it; inevitable I suppose. But the disaster of a possible plague and the sadness come out clearly. A fine post. Mine is here: http://readinpleasure.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/fridayfictioneers-tanoas-baby/
May 11th, 2012 at 8:51 AM
I can’t say I’d blame him for looking forward to his ride on the cart. Living in a city with plague running rampant and a job like his is a recipe for despair.
May 11th, 2012 at 7:37 AM
Like the humor in this. The ‘barking’ cough sealed his fate, tough times for this fella.
http://freejournowriter.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/friday-fictioneers-blindsighted/
May 11th, 2012 at 8:53 AM
Tough times, indeed. But at least he won’t have to collect the dead much longer. There’s always an upside.
May 11th, 2012 at 7:56 AM
The bubonic plague. I loved this by the way. Your wording made me feel like I was walking with him through the cobblestone streets. I have a feeling that everyone is worried about doing werewolves so they’re steering clear. There’s been lots of looks into the past on everyone’s pieces I’ve read so far.
My linky: http://unduecreativity.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/she-called-to-him/
May 11th, 2012 at 8:56 AM
Nothing like a good story of a plague soaked city and the poor sap who has to collect the dead to start the day! đŸ™‚
May 11th, 2012 at 8:18 AM
Nice! I like it! Of course, I flash to Monty Python on the last line, but that’s alright. I very much enjoyed it. My link: http://theforgottenwife.com/2012/05/11/friday-fictioneers/
May 11th, 2012 at 8:58 AM
Glad you liked it! I never really got into Monty Python. Though, what I’ve seen of it I liked, but sadly I haven’t seen much.
May 11th, 2012 at 9:18 AM
It’s an acquired taste, that’s for sure. But I definitely recommend “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.” Believe me, your reading and movie/television watching will be greatly enriched for it – lots of nods in that direction these days.
May 11th, 2012 at 9:27 AM
Nice touch to use history for the prompt. And I love how you made the cart driver seem so world-weary, then you discover he’s “just” twenty-five–middle age in the Middle Ages. Nice job.
Thanks for the comment on mine.
May 11th, 2012 at 9:43 AM
Glad you enjoyed it. I don’t often do historical pieces, but this one seemed just seemed right.
May 11th, 2012 at 9:32 AM
Well it is really amazing what that innocent moon can evoke in us! This was a totally unexpected, but very interesting and descriptive take on the prompt.
Thank you for your comments on mine also.
Yours,
Lindaura
ps damn those lying eyes! So true…
May 11th, 2012 at 9:46 AM
It isn’t just the innocent moon that brings out our darkness. The Fictioneers seem to be a very dark group. My kind of people. We’d probably have just as many sinister stories with a prompt photo of a cute little girl hugging a teddy bear. In fact, a story just popped into my head that I’ll keep in reserves should that very specific prompt ever show up lol
May 11th, 2012 at 9:50 AM
I like that! You know, I guess maybe we are a bit… I know I am! Madison should totally do an innocent pic and see what we come up with. I’d love to turn the tables on that, just for the sake of the point.
May 11th, 2012 at 9:34 AM
Oh my. Creepy creepy creepy… Great job Mr. Adam!!
http://theothersideofsorrow.blogspot.com/2012/05/el-lobo.html?showComment=1336743165610#c2622051000766681638
May 11th, 2012 at 9:47 AM
Mr. Adam… I like it! I shall be know as Mr. Adam from this day forward. Glad you enjoyed the story, McKenzie!
May 11th, 2012 at 9:39 AM
Hugely awesome. I love plague references. Awesome. http://kaitlinandmichaelbranch.com/2012/05/11/friday-fictioneers-2/
May 11th, 2012 at 9:49 AM
You really can’t go wrong with a plague reference. The story practically writes itself.
May 11th, 2012 at 9:52 AM
Exactly! I mean… come on. Plague.
May 11th, 2012 at 9:47 AM
I went right ahead and assumed this was a Monty Python gag. In which case, I say nice job turning the tables on this and creating a sombre tone in the voice of the carrier of the cart! I loved it.
http://littlewonder2.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/friday-fictioneers-the-night/
May 11th, 2012 at 10:45 AM
Glad you enjoyed it! đŸ™‚
May 11th, 2012 at 9:59 AM
I thought immediately of the Black Plague. Well done! I like medieval stories. Mine’s at http://wp.me/p1WuR1-TH.
May 11th, 2012 at 10:46 AM
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed my little tale.
May 11th, 2012 at 10:33 AM
A very spooky little read here. Definitely an unexpected interpretation of the photo. Nicely done.
May 11th, 2012 at 10:47 AM
Thanks! I wanted to stay away from anything I thought other people might do. I thought going the plague route was probably a safe bet.
May 11th, 2012 at 11:36 AM
AWESOMENESS, yes you definitely stayed away from the norm on this. Actually I have to thank you for challenging me, to not go that way, when you responded on Facebok. Thanks for that, and this really good share. This makes me thing of all the pestilence you would find after a very large battle. Love your share, here’s mine: http://remakingme-atiyatownes.blogspot.com/2012/05/friday-flash-fiction-birthing.html
May 11th, 2012 at 11:48 AM
I think of Barney from “How I met your mother” every time I hear (or read) the word challenge now. As in “challenge accepted!”. It’s a curse really, but I suppose I can forgive Neil Patrick Harris for it given time. But, you’re welcome. Glad you stepped up to the plate.
May 11th, 2012 at 11:37 AM
I love the feel of it. The black death definitely fits. I think it says something about our culture that most people went for spooky here. Nicely done twenty-something. I can’t wait to see how well you grow as a writer. Here’s mine: http://melodypearson.com/flash-fiction/friday-fictioneers-photo-prompt/
May 11th, 2012 at 11:51 AM
I love that you love the feel of it! You’re right though, what that says about our culture, I may not want to know.
I must admit, I’ll only be a twenty-something for another three months(ish). Then I officially become a thirty something. But that doesn’t really mean anything to me. I forget my own age half the time. lol
May 11th, 2012 at 12:12 PM
Adam
I love this. This imagery is powerful and chilling and I am sucker for chilling stories. Good job.
May 11th, 2012 at 12:40 PM
Thanks, Sheila! I’m glad you liked it.
May 11th, 2012 at 12:14 PM
love it!
http://craftytara.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/thank-goodness-for-moonlight/
May 11th, 2012 at 12:41 PM
Love that you love it! Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful weekend! đŸ™‚
May 11th, 2012 at 12:16 PM
A brutal examination of persistence in the midst of futility. Very well written
Wakefield
http://www.wakefieldmahon.com/1/post/2012/05/the-good-old-days-friday-fictioneers.html
May 12th, 2012 at 7:59 AM
Thanks, Wakefield. Thanks for reading.
May 11th, 2012 at 1:18 PM
This was a wonderful look into history–and a chilling glimpse into the fate of the narrator. Excellent job!
http://quillshiv.com/2012/05/11/the-first-world/
May 11th, 2012 at 5:45 PM
Thanks! That would have been a seriously difficult time to be alive.
Hope you’re feeling better!
May 11th, 2012 at 1:56 PM
Very dark and sad. I was able to visualize the scene, feel your character’s hopelessness. Well done!
–Jan
http://janmorrill.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/flashfriday-fictioneers-hes-watching/
May 11th, 2012 at 5:45 PM
Thanks, Jan! Glad to see so many have enjoyed my morbid little tale today.
May 11th, 2012 at 1:56 PM
Kudos on putting a creepy, authentic, historical spin on the prompt. I quite enjoyed it.
May 11th, 2012 at 5:46 PM
Thanks! I quite enjoyed writing it. I don’t usually do historical, but this one was fun.
May 11th, 2012 at 2:51 PM
I really like this one. Great direction to take. I was reading some history recently and read that the plague in England in the 1600s killed off half the population.
My story is here: http://bridgesareforburning.wordpress.com/
May 11th, 2012 at 5:48 PM
I can’t even imagine half of the population dying. Though it would curb the overpopulation and likely drop gas prices. Time to engineer a super plague maybe?
May 11th, 2012 at 8:56 PM
I loved that you got to an ending. This is an encapsulated story, something I will aspire to. Just so you can see what the Monty Python link is, here it is đŸ™‚
I was thinking Edinburgh, during the plague though.
May 12th, 2012 at 8:03 AM
Thanks for the video. Funny stuff!
May 11th, 2012 at 11:10 PM
Good imagery, my mind went to medival and black plague. I rarely look for typos etc., I let myself get lost in the story. Yours did that for me. Good job.
May 12th, 2012 at 8:04 AM
Thanks! I’m glad you could lose yourself in the story, if only for a brief minute.
May 11th, 2012 at 11:35 PM
That’s just….AWESOME! I like the setting….somewhat creepy though in my part, but I like it. Here’s mine: http://writeforacause.org/2012/05/11/friday-fictioneers-how-great-thou-art/
May 12th, 2012 at 4:53 AM
Something original about this one, away from the expected stories from this prompt. There’s a real ‘human’ feel to the character, just doing his job despite it probably having killed him.
http://garybaileywriting.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/fridayfictioneers-moonlight-sonata/
May 12th, 2012 at 8:06 AM
His job most certainly killed him, and it was more than likely a welcome death.
May 12th, 2012 at 4:57 AM
You really took me into the scene. I could see, smell and feel. Very well done and original.
www,rochelle-wisoff.blogspot.com
May 12th, 2012 at 8:07 AM
Glad you liked it, Rochelle!
May 12th, 2012 at 4:58 AM
that should be http://www.rochelle-wisoff.blogspot.com with a period not a comma
May 12th, 2012 at 8:44 AM
A great read Adam.
Created images in my head of medieval Britain and the plague.
I liked the link between his ‘harsh cough’ and his acceptance that he’d soon get a chance to ride on the cart.
May 12th, 2012 at 9:45 AM
Glad you enjoyed it, Mike. Thanks for reading.
May 12th, 2012 at 8:55 AM
“Soon he’d get his chance to ride on the cart” – I didn’t know whether to laugh or shiver, so I did both. Good one.
May 12th, 2012 at 9:46 AM
I think that was my favorite line of this story. Thanks for reading!
May 12th, 2012 at 9:07 AM
I could smell the stench. Nicely done.
http://russellgayer.blogspot.com/
May 12th, 2012 at 9:47 AM
Not a pleasant stench, that one! Thanks for reading!
May 12th, 2012 at 3:46 PM
17th century, plagues and great fires! Wonderfully evocative!
May 12th, 2012 at 8:00 PM
I sometimes find myself wondering what it must have been like to live back then. How did we as a race survive those troubling times? Then I look around the world and I can’t help but ask myself the same thing.
May 12th, 2012 at 5:26 PM
I’m glad so many people – like me – got a Monty Python flashback with this one. That said, it’s well written too. I’m left wondering how soon he’ll get his turn to ride on the cart, or if he’ll somehow survive. Nice job!
Brian (you’ve already commented on mine, but I’ll leave the link for anyone else who might stumble upon it! http://pinionpost.com/2012/05/11/the-runaway/)
May 12th, 2012 at 8:01 PM
Thanks, Brian! I’m glad I brought that flashback to so many, even if it was unintentional đŸ™‚
Thanks for reading!
May 12th, 2012 at 8:11 PM
very nice, I like that you don’t state when this is. it can be historical or something more depending on the reader đŸ™‚
May 13th, 2012 at 8:02 AM
You’re right. I was thinking black plague when I wrote it, but it really could fit for any time period. Thanks for reading!
May 13th, 2012 at 10:15 AM
This is a powerful and eerie story, Adam, and vividly portrayed. Great job! There’s a tiny tense issue, I think “He thought he’d grow accustomed to it” should be “he HAD thought he’d grow…” because the rest of the piece is in the present tense, so “he never did” has to be historic too.
But other than that, this is fantastic. The image of the man himself, rather than a horse, pulling the cart is great.
I’m here; http://elmowrites.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/friday-fiction-halloween/
May 13th, 2012 at 11:50 AM
Thanks for the feedback, Elmo. I hadn’t noticed that when I was editing, but you’re absolutely correct. Goes back to what I said to Doug in the first comment, Sometimes we see what we wanted to write rather than what we actually wrote. Congrats again on the good news!
May 13th, 2012 at 5:57 PM
ohh such a gruesome task!
May 17th, 2012 at 8:06 AM
Very gruesome indeed! Thanks for reading!
May 15th, 2012 at 7:34 AM
Just when you think you have a lousy job this guy comes along! I liked the mood and the atmosphere in this one.
May 17th, 2012 at 8:07 AM
Kind of puts a new perspective on that job you hate, doesn’t it? Suddenly, I’m feeling a little better about spending so much time behind a desk.
May 16th, 2012 at 5:02 PM
Really enjoyed this story, Adam. I think I can relate on a level not many can, too. I once worked in the pathology lab of a hospital and my desk was in the hallway across from the morgue. Not everyone who ended up in there was ‘fresh’…
May 17th, 2012 at 8:09 AM
Still working your way through last Friday’s stories I see! There was quite a few this time around!
Working across the hall from the morgue… hmmm… I’m sure I could turn that into a creepy little tale. That one is almost too easy!