Destinatio​n Weirdsvill​e: A Lesson in Head Shrinking

photo credit: eschipul via photopin cc

Today, I’m going to teach you how to do some head shrinking. Not that psychiatry mumbo jumbo… actual head shrinking. The kind the Shuar used to do in Ecuador: a fascinating people by the way.

Step one:  Cut the victim’s head off. It would be extremely difficult to shrink a head still attached to a body.

Step Two: Slice the skin from the base of the neck to the crown. Remove the skull. Use it as a serving dish for Halloween candy if you like, just be sure to clean it first.

Step Three: With that pesky skull out of the way, it’s time to dip the skin in vegetable extract to dye it a sickening blue-black color and preserve it for future generations to enjoy.

Step Four: After you wear it as a mask to scare your loved ones, stitch up the cut you made to remove the skull. Also sew the lips shut, but don’t do it all willy nilly. The pattern seems to have some significance, though I have no idea what that might be.

Step Five: Call in sick for a few days. This next part will take some time. Fill the cavity with hot sand or pebbles. Constantly turn and reposition the head to ensure that it dries uniformly. When the hot sand cools, replace it with more of the good and hot stuff.

Step Six: Celebrate your new fist sized head with a ceremonial victory dance. Try not to spike the head at the end. No need to damage all that hard work.

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a shrunken head, but you’re probably going to jail for murder… or possibly doing freaky things to a corpse that died of natural causes. Either way, say goodbye to your shrunken head. You’ll probably never see it again.