Today, I’m going to teach you how to do some head shrinking. Not that psychiatry mumbo jumbo… actual head shrinking. The kind the Shuar used to do in Ecuador: a fascinating people by the way.
Step one: Cut the victim’s head off. It would be extremely difficult to shrink a head still attached to a body.
Step Two: Slice the skin from the base of the neck to the crown. Remove the skull. Use it as a serving dish for Halloween candy if you like, just be sure to clean it first.
Step Three: With that pesky skull out of the way, it’s time to dip the skin in vegetable extract to dye it a sickening blue-black color and preserve it for future generations to enjoy.
Step Four: After you wear it as a mask to scare your loved ones, stitch up the cut you made to remove the skull. Also sew the lips shut, but don’t do it all willy nilly. The pattern seems to have some significance, though I have no idea what that might be.
Step Five: Call in sick for a few days. This next part will take some time. Fill the cavity with hot sand or pebbles. Constantly turn and reposition the head to ensure that it dries uniformly. When the hot sand cools, replace it with more of the good and hot stuff.
Step Six: Celebrate your new fist sized head with a ceremonial victory dance. Try not to spike the head at the end. No need to damage all that hard work.
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a shrunken head, but you’re probably going to jail for murder… or possibly doing freaky things to a corpse that died of natural causes. Either way, say goodbye to your shrunken head. You’ll probably never see it again.
Adam Ickes 
February 28th, 2014 at 10:51 AM
Seeing a pic of a shrunken head in my WordPress Reader of “Blogs I Follow” was definitely startling, and I had to check out your post with it. And what a post! Good touch at the end to warn about that whole going to jail stuff.
March 1st, 2014 at 4:28 PM
Glad to be of service. If you can figure out a way out of jail time do let me know so I can update this post. 🙂
February 28th, 2014 at 11:11 AM
I’ll stick that on my bucket list 🙂
March 1st, 2014 at 4:28 PM
A good place for it.
February 28th, 2014 at 3:46 PM
Adam, I can see myself failing at this, particularly with the victory dance…
March 1st, 2014 at 4:29 PM
The victory dance would be my downfall as well. Glad I’m not alone.
March 1st, 2014 at 12:07 AM
Thanks for the info. If I ever write a story with a shrunken head in it, this info will come in handy. Why do I think you might be planning such a story?
March 1st, 2014 at 4:30 PM
Actually I wasn’t planning a story with shrunken heads, but now that you mention it… That’s a really good idea. Perhaps I’ll add it to my ideas book.
March 1st, 2014 at 1:58 PM
CREEPtacular!
March 1st, 2014 at 4:33 PM
The creepiest part is it’s true, and not too far in the past. Supposedly there is a video from 1961 of this ritual being performed, though I haven’t watched it.
March 4th, 2014 at 12:09 AM
There are shrunken heads at a shop in Seattle, for realsy. Somehow, whenever I read these creepy posts that you do so well, I can’t make it work with my image of your daddy face. Lordy, I hope you tell that little cutie pie sweeter tales. 😉 (um, that’s a joke… I know you do)
March 4th, 2014 at 10:17 AM
So far the creepiest she gets in her stories is a mean witch who turns people into frogs or the occasional dragon, but they’re usually friendly dragons. We’ll stray from that only when she’s ready to, which may be never, and I’m okay with that.
March 4th, 2014 at 4:58 PM
If she strays, you will have the material lined up! 😉
March 7th, 2014 at 1:09 PM
Do you read those steps out when the Telemarketers ring Adam?
March 7th, 2014 at 9:03 PM
I never thought of that, but it’s a great idea. Feel free to use my words against our mutual enemy.